Letters of Abigail May Alcott to Samuel J. May

1838-1843

From Unpublished Originals in Houghton Library, Harvard University

[Boston, 22 April 1838]

Dear Sam You should have been thanked many days since for your letter and potatoes but I have had a sore finger on my right hand and could wield [sic] neither pen nor needle--and am doing I now at the risk of an unusual degree of illegibility. But Mr A. is head and ears over in copying Psyche for the press and I ask no carnal favors of him while so engaged in the works of the spirit--Although he thankfully partakes of your eat offering twice a day.--I am much better and have resumed my work again. . . .

Our plans are all modified--we seem to be floating along sometimes rough--then smooth--then becalmed--sometimes high and dry then engulphed in an ocean of difficulties--but I am getting hardened--toughened--indifferent--I care less for this world than ever--and when for 24 hours I was balancing into another--I felt a serene satisfaction which I may never know again--and which I could not account for--what was it?--a satisfaction in the past, or hope in the future, indifference to the present; no!! it was none of them, I am not satisfied with the past, little has been done, much left undone; I have no hope in the future the "well done good and faithful" will never greet my ears!! I was not not [sic] indifferent to the present for I was feeling a poignant sorrow at leaving my excellent husband my darling children in this vale of trial and of tears--I was feeling too, (as I can never describe) the cruel neglect of my father and family--what then could have produced that calm and serene sensation at the almost inevitable prospect of leaving and and finding [what?]!!! I have been very sick . . . but I am alive and again active and now I beset myself to the task to find out what can be done--Mr A has 4 scholars we are very poor--and should have starved if it had not been for a few friends--Mr A is going to Concord in a few weeks--Emerson seems to be earnest for him--but it is a difficult case--I hope the strife of mortal things will cease ere long for I am tired [word illegible]--worn and would gladly lay me down-- . . .

[Concord; 26 April 1840]

Your last two letters lie unanswered not through inadvertence or inattention to the importance of their contents but from the reason that Mr. Alcott wishes to see Mr. Frost and did not wish to commit himself in any way on paper regarding any arrangement of property--he would prefer to talk the matter over with you when you come--As nothing can suffer by deliberation, and his reputation as an honest man may be blotted forever by one hasty movement--It ought not to be urged while he has this conscientious scruple--It will be but a small sacrifice for me compared to some I have had to make--which though at first it has seemed severe discipline has on the whole proved very tolerable--and at last desirable when I have witnessed the peace of mind which it has secured to him. --It has occured to me that it would be even more just to all to secure every thing in the form of property for the future benefits of our children, and pay up as we are enabled by the interest of it all [3 words illegible]--ultimately giving our children something--It would take years I know to manage it so--Am hoping that we may add something from other sources we may be [enabled?] to do it without disrupting anybody--I suggested this but Mr A. thought any action which would seem to be enriching ourselves and impoverishing others would not be justifiable on any principle of equitable dealing-- . . . He has an awful repugnance to the whole scheme of property and I say as little on that account as possible--

[Concord; 15 April 1841]

My dear Brother

Mr. Alcott returned quite refreshed by his good substantial visit to you--and I am anticpating a return of the favor from you on Monday or Tuesday-- . . . I want you to come with the fact uppermost on your mind that leisure with me is an exception, labor the rule--and so prepare to stay 2 or 3 days so that I can get in my say--My heart is brimming full and it ought to be vented or it will burst--I have many things to talk about--and your health not the least important--I should be greatly pleased to have Lucretia and the children--and we will make all sorts of Shrifts to be agreeable and accomodate--or L. [Lucretia] and the children shall come when our place has more to recommend it and we are more sure of fine weather and spend a fortnight or so with me after Mr A goes--This is the `test act' of my Transcendentalism--If I do indeed believe in that perfect union of spirits, a sister community--[?] of souls, that renders the body a mere incident to this state of being--then will his absence in the flesh be of small consideration--We have in no wise been aliens in affection--but our diversity of opinion has at times led us far and wide of a quiet and contented frame of mind--I can say through all, I have known no change in my affections--they have been wearing a deeper channel in my heart--the more they have presented an agitated surface the deeper and purer has been the under current of peace and love.--His plan of life has been doubtful and aspiring--Mine has been simple and superficial--I have been looking for [word illegible] and rest-- he for principle and salvation I have been striving for justice and peace--he for truth and rightiousness my will has always been a stumbling block to my success--. . . .

[Fruitlands; 14 June 1843]

Dear S. When I wrote you last I thought it was to go by Mr. Wyman and that as I had but a few moments I would not attempt to describe our place and its environs--I had much to say but was fearful I should not say it well or quite truly--But lest you should for one moment be under the apprehension that I am dissatisfied I hasten to discharge your mind of any such impression--The house is even better (shabby and ill looking as it is) than I expected for the described it as being scarcely tenantable--wheras I assume you if all Gods' creatures were as well sheltered as this, there would be no suffering on that score. The land is expected to be admirable We have already planted hat which may yield 500, bushels of potatoes--and the men are going on [word illegible]--Abraham and Larned are with us--and a hired man works on the place--The woods, groves, pastures, brooks are most delightful and as to the prospect it is undescribable--an interminable [word illegible] of lofty hills "whose summits peirce [sic] the heavens as with a wedge" green undulating expanse, whose [word illegible] is oppressive with wonder and delight--Our children are very happy and when the planting is over we shall establish a school--Now if we can attract towards us a few of the higher caliber I do feel as if a great work may be effected here--The true life ought to be lived here if any where on earth--away from the false and degrading customs of society as man fashioned; apart from observation; no ambitious motive stimulating us to a false action; we may fail, but it will be something that we have ventured which so few haved dared We have had two beautiful Sabbaths, so much unfroze without--and holy quiet within--I am charmed with the solitude of the place--. . . .

But you must come and make your own observation of the outward and the inward shall be faithfully reported from time to time--. . . .

I meant to have acknowledged the reciept of the 5,00 it came and was a great comfort as I paid all of my little scores and we owe nothing--our own wood and . . . meat or potatoes--it is a comfortable feeling after a perturbation of 10 years--. . . .

[Fruitlands; 4 Nov. 1843]

Mr Wyman Has given me 5 minutes to say a thousand things in--It is concluded I believe that we are to stay here this winter--I will predict nothing but fortify myself for all the storms and be grateful for all the gales which may be breathed upon me--William has been sick a fortnight--and Louisa with a dreadful cough--pain in her side and headache--Mr Lane looks miserably and acts worse--

The accounts from Miss N. are quite dis-couraging--This will be a hard chapter in my book of fate if she too in the absence of Mother and Sisters shall go hence to be no more seen--She has been to me a loving and judicious counsellor--a quick energetic friend--The men talk of selling back to Mr Wyman 30 acres of land on which the house and Barns stand--paying him out of it all the balance now due--and building a cottage on the intervale-- planting their orchard and having a garden--How far this will be enacted the deponent saith not--at present we are looking at wood and apples as the one thing needful--my children and we all are comfortably fixed for clothing--and come what may I shall try that the peace of these dear children be no more disturbed by dis-cussions and doubts--I and they will have comfort a good fire cheerful faces and pleasant books--. . . .

Mr. Alcott walked from Boston in 8 hours on Thursday--seems calm, cheerful, active--I only want to see Mr Lane in a better mood--it is sad to see greatness so subject to contemptible--pitiable weakness--But no man is great to his valet . . . --neither is he always sublime to his house maid--. . . .

[Fruitlands; 11 Nov. 1843]

Your letter was duly received and pleased me more than it did the other proprietor of the Estate--I do not wish you to put a cent here I am sifting everything to its bottom--for I will know the foundation, centre and circumference.

They have had an offer for 30 acres by a young farmer in Boxbore--who will give them 25 dolls an acre--and Mr . . . who will give them 1400 for the whole--Mr Lane thought of accepting it--and letting us go out naked--I am ready for it--and should feel it a clear transaction to go with my skin--I do not like the concern--this is a gripping propensity somewhere--

Mr Alcott talks of buying the frame of Mr Wyman small barn--hauling it to the woods--and building a house--selling hay of the land but I see no clear healthy safe course here in connexion [sic] with Mr L--. . . .

[Fruitlands; 18 Nov. 1843]

. . . when I wrote on Sunday Mr A was very low indeed--nor did I see by what human aids he was to be restored-- . . . on Tuesday the acuteness of his disease had passed--but he still seemed to me not essentially better--and the means he permitted to be used were to my mind wholly inadequate--but he was constantly saying "Thy faith shall heal thee"--My common sense was stronger than my faith--I insisted on spearmint tea and a total abandonment of vegetable food--Blackberries, spearmint tea--shown both twice a day and the most living faith you ever witnessed has indeed restored, him but not made quite whole this dying man--On Friday he went with Mr Thay to the Shaker village and spent the day in conversation--he was too feeble for it--and has been more nervous and excitable--on Saturday William came for a few hours was much struck with the alteration in Mr A his sepulchral tones, and extreme langour-- . . . The cattle are sold and he has made an arrangement with a man in the neighbourhood to work for him by the day and be paid in produce--This relieves him of some of the responsibility about perishable things The Shakers show a most loving dispositon toward us--have offered us 2 hundred fruit trees for an orchard, trees lower than any one else on account of our temperance habits--and because we consider fruit a necessary of life--and also wich to come over and help in setting them out--They seem mostly loving drawn towards us--I have done up a little parcel for Charles and a copy of Pestalozzi's letters for Mrs Adams--They should be a study for every mother-- . . . I wish you would explain to him [Charles] more fully how I am situation--with a large, but fluctuating family--feeble husband--and not wholly persuaded in my own mind that all that is, is best --I ought not to write any body. I told Mr Thay on parting with him he must come ten years hence for my opinion about Fruitlands--"Dear Lady said he You will not be here to answer me" --perhaps not; in that case it will speak for itself.--It will be a barren wilderness or a fruitful paradise hear--despite of me--My Genius is too rigidly set in the old mould to make great progress--I abhor Society--but I can only be real myself--my neighbour must affect in spite of me on my [word illegible]--I cannot live his principle--

I thank you dear Sam for your offer to come up--you could do us no particular good--and I know that we could not make you comfortable-- . . . Should he fail again--or anything more acute take place I shall unbeknownst to him send for Emerson--and consult with him--He has good sense enough not to be afraid of human aids for human ends.